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ALIEN SEEKING SOMEONE TO BITE
Wants to know: If you were a god in charge of a new planet you’re making from scratch, what nonsense are you making?
Contact: email madisonpersonals@outlook.com, subject line "date Finn," include your instagram or powerpoint on why you should have a date with them, along with your answer to the above question. Or fill out this form.
Finnley: 24, 5’9”. A restless guy with 14 countries under his belt, he’s hunkered down here for university to become a history teacher. Loves to be helpful, jacked, and a bit of a himbo. A terrible cook. Down to do things that are borderline illegal. Teaches English and throws lake moss at children as a summer camp counselor overseas, yet is prepared to fight bears to protect the kiddos. Likes to host themed parties like: lie to your friends, trade intangible services, goblin party, and gamble on oil wrestling. His friends describe him as charming, passionate, eclectic, and a pure ball of energy. His enemies describe him as intense, impatient, and strange.
Review from his ex Krista: 4 star review on the time I have spent with Finn: He always shows up with multiple ideas of what to do, and there is rarely a lull in conversation. When there is, he immediately thinks up a question that you would have never thought of, and you think "what goes through his mind“. Although I only knew him for a month or so, I found I will never know what goes through his mind, and that honestly makes him a bit more fun. He will dance his heart out to fun music and is a master at dipping during swing dancing. He is great at making people feel very included and comfortable no matter the situation. I would have given a full 5 stars, but he has a god-awful sleep schedule. I could not keep up with going to bed past 3am and getting up after noon. He also has a weird fixation on biting.
Intentions: Looking for a deep connection, whether eternal or shorter than that. “Chase me down, coward.”
Seeking: An intense and unconventional woman. Intelligent, creative, not easily embarrassed, and has a zeal for life. We love an evil, insane, powermaxing woman. Curious and energetic, appreciates his weirdness and has weirdness to offer. Reliable, sociable, capable of hypothetical conversation. Can destroy him in boardgames, especially niche, mechanically convoluted boardgames (he deserves it). Finn typically gets along with witchy girls, but his type is across the board. Does especially like blondes and women with black or colorful hair. In need of a wallball partner.
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STRONG COWGIRL SEEKING SOMEONE TO MATCH HER BRAIN
Wants to know: If money wasn’t a problem, what would you start doing with your life and where? Also, I want the weirdest article you’ve read in the past month.
Contact: email madisonpersonals@outlook.com, subject line "date Lana," include your instagram or powerpoint on why you should have a date with them, along with your answer to the above question. Or fill out this form.
Lana: 20, 5’8”. Lana knows everything. She has a ridiculous repertoire of information about things like environmental sustainability engineering, water projects, and microbiology. Running theory is it all stems from her love of cows. She adores those creatures, as she grew up with them. Being a farm girl, Lana is also a muscle mommy. Scarily formidable at shot and discus throwing, she could easily pick you up and throw you around as well. With a curious mind, she is down for most activities and is always eager to learn new things. She has even recently gotten into swing dancing. A mostly lady with a friendly demeanor!
Review from a friend (Ty): “Lana is confident, fun, engaged, and unbelievably educated. She can hold any conversation, no matter the intellectual caliber. If you want a podcast-like experience of becoming ridiculously educated on a niche topic, you’ve got it with her. Lana excels at talking like a normal person too! She’s always engaged, asks questions, and listens well. She’s insanely busy, so you should feel honored if she’s making time for you. She’s also very physically active and has been trying to recruit me to the boxing club. She works hard and plays hard. Highly recommend.”
Intentions: Down for anything from casual fling to ace platonic, friends, or committed – usually whatever people show up for. Lana likes different things from different people. She is a woman with variety! But she will humbly request that you have your shit moderately together.
Seeking: Someone who gets off on life and is more competent than her. Step up or get out! This is a woman with many cooks in the oven and she wants to meet interesting people to share experiences with. She tends to like women and the gender non-conforming, but has (allegedly) been known to enjoy the occasional man.
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BIG DAWG SEEKING TENDER CARE AND AFFECTION
Wants to know: How do you feel about biomedical engineering and what’s the most unethical thing you wish you could do with it?
Contact: email madisonpersonals@outlook.com, subject line "date Ty," include your instagram or powerpoint on why you should have a date with them, along with your answer to the above question. Or fill out this form.
Ty: 22, 5’11”. A “work hard, play hard” kind of guy. Senior in biomedical engineering, he works a lot harder than he plays and hopes to remedy this immediately. Honest as a policy, even to his own detriment (refer to height measurement which could, but does not, begin with 6). Lifts five days a week, tries to do so before daily 9ams (insane), ~60% success rate. 50% success rate with funny jokes, which is pretty good for a man. Generally down for anything and happy to make plans.
Potential list of pros and cons: very good cook + will offer to cook for you, strong preferences about food, tons of hobbies - not that good at any of them, emotionally mature, confident. Great freestyle dancer, mediocre ballroom dancer. Can bench you + will ask to bench you. Romantic, you’ll have to race him to open doors for yourself. Do you need a date to a function, plans on a weekend, a gym buddy, or tutoring in a STEM class? Here’s your man. He HAS gone to therapy and is a sucker for someone emotionally intelligent.
Review from a friend (Lana): “Ty is a very genuine person. He’s responsive and non-defensive in conversation. He’s in the Top 3 of Men I Feel Safe AroundTM, the pool of contestants deadass being every man I’ve ever encountered. The first time I actually started getting to know him, he asked someone to show him how to shake ass and went for it. And, yes, it was good. I’ve heard him talk about the women he’s been into and am always pleasantly surprised to hear normal, thoughtful things. This one does not froth at the mouth. He is, additionally, an A-grade Diva /pos and based as hell. Highly recommend.”
Intentions: Expires 5/31, so get it while it's fresh!! (graduating and fucking off to MN at the end of May, so get him while he’s here.) Fun dates until he leaves. You need an extra body for a fun idea, or just someone to build a table with ya in exchange for a kiss? Here’s a man for you.
Seeking: Someone uninhibited and unafraid of being cringe. Concerned with strangers looking at you with apprehension and searing judgement? Ty isn’t! And he wants someone who isn’t either. His physical type is “people I find attractive”. One might say that’s incredibly unhelpful and vague. One also might say his love is not restrained by attributes and fantasies! A fella with a broad spectrum.
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FREE WOMAN SEEKING COMPANION(S) FOR QUESTS
Wants to know: What's the wildest thing we could do together? (PG-13, perverts)
Contact: email madisonpersonals@outlook.com, subject line "date (or befriend) Olivia," include your instagram or powerpoint on why you should have a date with them, along with your answer to the above question. Or fill out this form.
Olivia: 22, 5’5”. This is an electric woman. She is apprenticing to be an electrician, so you know you’ll have a spark with her. A morning riser who can still rally to go out dancing, she stays busy and if you can get a spot in her schedule, she’s always down to try new interests. As a free spirit, she is wandering from new friend to new friend in any room. She is even able to smooth over any tension that may arise around her: such as when she persuaded everyone around us at a rock concert to stop glaring while we jumped around and inadvertently included our neighbors in moshing. Self described as awkward, she lives her life more through actions than words. She is a calisthenics queen and is prepared for any athletic activity that may drop in her lap.
Intentions: Olivia is discovering her freedom after a 3 year relationship, so she is currently in her hyper independence era. Her motto is “if it’s in the name of fun, let’s do it”.
Seeking: She’s allergic to date-dates but she’s totally down for new friends. If it turns into a little more than friends, that’s cool too, as long as ya don’t try to lock her down!
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POETIC SIREN SEEKING ARTISTIC COMPANION(S)
Wants to know: How would you make Peter the Cat's life better?
Contact: email madisonpersonals@outlook.com, subject line "date Caitlin," include your instagram or powerpoint on why you should have a date with them, along with your answer to the above question. Or fill out this form.
Caitlin: 24, 5’3”. A versatile artist who will write a poem which will ignite a moment of clarity for you to recognize the humanity in the woman in front of you. If that doesn’t get you, she paints, draws, sings, writes, and plays guitar. She will attempt to play any instrument in front of her, fair warning. You’ll have access to a personal Amy Winehouse and Layne Staley impersonator who would lull you to sleep (her roommate attests to this) or yell you awake. Can be found in the zone at raves, or blanket forts - she’s a big chiller. A black cat, she can cleanse a space of icky energy and read your tarot. When it’s warmer, she enjoys sitting on the back porch listening to the night and smoking. Plus, if you have serious internal emotional problems, she is in school to be an art therapist and currently a bartender.
Review from a friend (Finn): She will either see right to your soul or give a good hug when needed. Keeps her apartment clean. Sleeps like concrete a lot but also stays awake until 4am. Has a cat named Peter. Vibey interior decorating taste.
Intentions: She's playing an open field, no expectations! One might say she is open minded, as a true thinker should be.
Seeking: Mr.s and Misses, Caitlin will have a date with anyone who comes with love in their heart and EDM beats on their minds. An independent missy, she likes to have her freedom. If you can stand with her while she lives her life, that'll get you brownie points and a kiss. She was vague when asked this question, but that just means more opportunity for all of you!
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